The number one key to remember when considering a home birth
I chose to have a Vaginal Birth After Cesarean (VBAC) at home with baby number two. Here’s why.
THE BACKSTORY
The decision to have a VBAC all started with the birth of my first son, Gabriel. I had an emergency C-section when I originally planned a home birth.
Gabriel’s journey into the world broke me in ways I’d never been broken. It brought up deep inner wounds I thought I resolved. It banished a true sense of empowerment. It made me relive memories I tried so hard to forget.
Even though I planned a home birth, when COVID hit, there were so many unknowns that fear set in. By my next appointment with my government-assigned midwife, my son turned from a head down position to breech.
And the next thing I knew, I was being ushered towards the hospital.
Even though this wasn’t what I planned, I felt I had no choice but to go. Within three hours, I was in the hospital having an emergency C-section at my 40th week with tears and resistance.
There was so much disempowerment and pain from this experience. I thought something was wrong with me. It felt so heavy. I suddenly found myself battling my memories of sexual abuse.
The experience of a C-section brought up all the trauma that took place. From how the medical team touched my paralyzed body to how it felt like they ripped my baby from out of me. They had their hands in my three delicate energy centers and it affected me in ways I cannot explain.
I lived in that story until I became pregnant with my second child. It danced in the background of my energy and persona. It manifested as postpartum depression and scraped at a wound and energetic imprint that I felt bleed every day.
I realized I had two choices—to rise or to stay in this dark place.
I chose to rise and I did everything in my power after that moment to prepare myself to have the home birth I imagined and knew in my heart was possible. And I mean everything.
MOVING PAST TRAUMA TO RECLAIM MY POWER
In the two and a half years leading up to the birth of my second son, I was in therapy. I needed support to move through the sexual abuse memories that came flooding in during the C-section.
I saw two energy practitioners—one to regularly clear my energy and Vedic chart, and one who helped mend my energetic grid and soul from past lives.
Sounds intense, I know, but my personality type needs to be extremely thorough. I believe that inner work needs to be done to have a successful home birth. Especially if you have reservations or trauma.
THE KEY IS TO REMEMBER THAT YOU HAVE A CHOICE
Through this processing, I recognized that the power of choice is something we always have. It’s a gift in each moment if we choose to see it as such.
When I became pregnant with Kuai, my choice to have a VBAC gave me back myself. A version of myself I had been trying to activate my whole life.
And to make it happen, I knew I had to surround my awareness with people, information, practitioners and experiences that aligned with the home birth experience I wanted.
I listened to podcasts, read books, and regularly met with my doula and Traditional Birth Attendant (TBA).
I found a doula who supported my choice to have a home birth. She empowered me to make my own decisions. Knowing that I had a choice in every situation was especially comforting.
I also made sure I found a TBA who was specially trained in breech delivery, home birth delivery, and shared similar values as me. It’s so important to carefully pick who will support and attend your birth. With aligned people around you, they hold energy with you and for you.
I don’t say this lightly—birth is an incredibly sacred and energetic experience. You as the woman are so energetically open that the smallest disturbance can bring you into fear-based thinking.
Your job during birth is to connect to your intuition, to your baby, and to journey together through the experience. Trust the positions your body needs to get into. Trust your breath. Trust your intuition. Above all, trust yourself.
THE VBAC EXPERIENCE
The day Kauai was born was the moment I gained back every piece of me.
Early labour began in the afternoon and continued very lightly throughout the day.
By the time evening rolled around, the surges started to become more intense. I changed the word “contractions” to “surges or sensations” because it felt more aligned to the energy I was holding for myself and my baby.
I told myself I would continue with the day until my son Gabriel went to sleep. It was Diwali and there were fireworks going off throughout our neighbourhood. After we made dinner, we went outside to watch them. I was stopping and holding onto the wall breathing through each surge.
I remember standing on the street, holding Gabriel, watching the fireworks, and knowing everything was about to change. I felt myself turning inward towards this experience so strongly.
I kissed him, told him I loved him, and that everything was going to be okay. I told him I appreciated and loved our two and a half years together—just him and I. I teared up (still am now as I write this) and we went inside.
As soon as he went to bed, I more aggressively told Roberto (my partner) to get the tub ready. He looked at me wide eyed and said “..okay.”
To relieve pain, I chose a sound therapist to play live music and sing throughout my labour. She was one of my teachers in school when I trained for holistic health and she told us way back then she attended births. I knew she would be at mine seven years before my pregnancy.
I called her and my doula. I laboured very intensely through the early morning until the sun came up again.
By 7:00am, the surges slowed down to 15 minutes apart. My doula suggested I try to sleep throughout the day because things could pick up again around 6pm that night. She and my sound therapist both went home and were on stand-by until the surges were rapid and closer together.
This day was the most emotionally-challenging part of my labour. I was anxiously thinking, “How can I possibly make it through another round of this and the hardest part has yet to come? I haven’t slept, I’m exhausted. Can I actually do this?”
Birth is a mental and emotional game that you need to be prepared to experience and win. I sat with that as the surges came every 15 minutes. I never allowed it to consume me, and I remained in a meditative state until I gave birth. I couldn’t let my ego get too loud. So I did everything I could to keep it quiet.
By 6:00pm, the surges became intense just as my doula said they would. By 6:30pm I needed the sound therapist. I couldn’t wait another minute. I needed her assistance to hold the energy and help me get to a more out-of-body state to help with the pain.
Once she arrived, I allowed myself to give in and really lean into the experience. The surges were so intense. The room around me disappeared. I only heard the music, her singing, and some voices. I kept focusing on my breath and her voice.
There’s a moment in birth where you have two choices. These two choices reminded me of the two choices I had after Gabriel’s birth—lean in and rise or allow the pain to consume you.
This moment came when it was time to push. You can feel the burning, stretching pain as the head crowns. Only you can push your baby out and the choice comes down to how much you’re willing to push beyond the point of what you believe is possible. What you believe you’re capable of.
To my surprise, when it came time to push I felt relieved. I knew I wanted the baby to come so the pain would end. So as much as I knew that every push would be unimaginably painful, I had to do it.
With everything in me—and I mean every cell in my body—I pushed so hard I thought I might break. His head crowned and with another push, his body came.
We welcomed him into the world and I felt whole once again.
THE POWER OF CHOICE
My decision to have a VBAC gave me my power back.
I’m a more embodied mother. I feel more secure in my relationships. I feel more capable as a business owner and entrepreneur. I feel more like myself than ever before because I made a choice that aligned with me.
I really feel the world would be a different place if we birthed how we feel safest. In the ways we choose. Home or hospital or in a field, wherever and however we feel safest and most empowered.
It’s the energy of empowerment that drives the health and abundance of all things. Since our bodies are the giver of life, the portal, our power and choice matters more than modern society currently celebrates.
Birth goes beyond what we think it is. It’s a defining moment that will affect you for the rest of your life. It’s so important we see this and honour ourselves and our power.
If you’re planning to give birth or are faced with a life-defining moment, remember your power. No matter what other people say, you have everything within you to choose what feels most in alignment. So choose to rise.